Mr. Ebert Hits One Into the Upper Deck

"Because we are human, because we are bound by gravity and the limitations of our bodies, because we live in a world where the news is often bad and the prospects disturbing, there is a need for another world somewhere, a world where Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers live. Where everyone is a millionaire and hotel suites are the size of ballrooms and everything is creased, combed, brushed, shined, polished, powdered and expensive. Where you seem to find the happiness you seek, when you're out together dancing cheek to cheek. It doesn't even matter if you really find it, as long as you seem to find it, because appearances are everything in this world, and ...

Let the rain pitter patter
But it really doesn't matter
If the skies are gray.
Long as I can be with you,
It's a lovely day."

We're Addicted To Nip/Tuck

It's not healthy. But it's compelling as hell and, most importantly, has a high trash quotient.

Just sayin'.

Carry on.

Posting light, and blah blah blah...

PS: Read Lowenstein's piece in the Times on pensions. Very fucking scary.

I Don't Want To, But It Would Be So Very Irresponsible Of Me Not To

Simon:

I don't want to make any comment about Dowd because I have not met her. But being intelligent and powerful may not be the whole story for why she is alone.

Ah, the Noonan Defense.

Roger L. Simon: The Grinch Who Tried to Steal Fitzmas

Sez the Worstest Screenwriter in the World:

The odd thing about this is that it has always struck me that Iraq could just as easily have been a Democratic Party war. Despite his present ultra-dovish position, Gore, who has often been a foreign policy hawk during his career, might easily have led the nation into the Iraq War had he been elected. His opinions now are dictated, in part, by his current constituency. This is no more than normal human behavior.

Christ, Roger, what's the basis for this drivel? Then-Senator Gore broke with his party -- one of only ten Democrats to do so -- and voted for a resolution supporting the Gulf War in 1991.

Does that sound like someone beholden to his then-constituency (who supported the war) or, for that matter, his colleagues?

As the for the run-up to the war, in looking back I think it was a big game of charades that everybody understood.

Okay, four words, piece of shit movie that was so comically awful that it forced Bette Midler into hiding and Pauline Kael into retirement... Yes! Scenes from a Mall!

Despite what was said, the obvious US motivation was geo-political.

No one told Condi, for some reason. Unless, of course, "mushroom cloud" is conservoblogger-speak for "spread of democracy at the point of a gun." Because that would be a pretty bitchin' game of charades, no?

We wanted the despot Saddam out of the Middle East and replaced by a democracy. The French and the Russians - never particularly interested in democracy in the first place - desperately wanted to keep their cash cow in office. Everybody knew this, so the dreaded WMDs had to be emphasized in front of the UN.

Revisionist Mr. Simon is claiming, it seems, that WMDs were never the point. But what about this:

Multiple visits to the CIA by the United States Vice-President, Dick Cheney, created an environment in which some analysts felt they were being pressured to make their assessments on Iraq fit with Bush Administration policy objectives, intelligence officials said.
They said Mr Cheney and his chief of staff, "Scooter" Libby, questioned analysts studying Iraq's weapons programs and alleged links to al-Qaeda.

Mr Cheney took the lead in the Administration last August in advocating military action against Iraq by claiming it had weapons of mass destruction.

We're open-minded types, and would be willing to consider that, yes, perhaps the ultimate goal of the Administration was the spread of democracy in the Middle East. But, as the above demonstrates, that task was not first on the list. It was a distant that-would-be-just-gravy second.

Never mind that whether Saddam had nuclear and other such weapons now or later was essentially irrelevant as long as he was in power and able to use them...

Sorry, what? Hussein with [the imaginary] nukes was irrelevant? Are we missing something? Did Cheryl slip a mickey into your latte, Roger?

...never mind the supposedly missing weapons could be hidden at this moment in Syria, Lebanon or Iran (or even Iraq of course)...

These are some mighty thin straws yer grasping at, Simon. If you don't mind, we'd like to pitch a new series to NBC: Desperate Screenwriters. Won't play well in the red states, but whatever...

...never mind that there actually is a fledgling democracy in Iraq seemingly applauded by a vast majority of Iraqis

The two operative -- and by operative, we mean bullshit -- words there are "fledging" and "seemingly."

Of course the real mistake was this emphasis on WMDs instead of a more honest declaration of the what the war was really about - democracy. On that score it hasn't fared that badly, all things considered.

"All things", we hope, encompasses 2,000 dead Americans [which K-Lo just helpfully reminded us is not not not a milestone, and don't you forget it!] and who knows how many dead Iraqis. But we're pretty certain we know where Simon's priorities lie, and it ain't with the corpses.

UPDATE: Counting, we never quite mastered it...

Your Weekly Dose of Gubbins

The Gubbins market forecast:


Peanut butter = trending up as an ice cream flavor, so you might think "hey, what's the problem". But hello, B&J already has 2 other PB flavors: Peanut Butter Cups and Chubby Hubby, an awesome contrast of fudge-cov’d pb-filled pretzels in vanilla MALT ice cream w/ pb & fudge swirls. Can one company sustain three PB ice creams? Will the clearly superior Chubby Hubby take a fall?


We think she's morphed (at least for the day) into a food-centric version of the Fuggers. Excellent.


ALSO:
One supposes that Ashlee Simpson could be admired for enduring the hurricane that enveloped the release of her 2004 debut, Autobiography.


From the MTV reality show that preceded (and relentlessly promoted) it, to the train wreck that followed its release, including her lip-synching fiasco on Saturday Night Live, Simpson simply jutted out her not insubstantial jaw and kept plowing on.


Nothing if not persistent, she's now back with a follow-up CD, called I Am Me.


With the title alone, she accomplishes something noteworthy: Of the three words total, two are pronouns about herself.


Ouch, kitten!

If K-Lo Were Any Smarter, She'd Be Retarded

OVERLOOKED? [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
Is it me or does the press almost finally seem bored with Cindy Sheehan, even during "2,000" week? I almost missed that she was arrested again.

She's also demonstrably heartless. "2000 week"? This isn't sweeps week on FOX, okay? K-Lo, you ought to get your head back in Derb's lap before he notices you're gone...

We're Believers!

I. Lewis Libby Jr., Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff and one of the most powerful figures in the Bush administration, was formally accused today of lying and obstruction of justice during an inquiry into the unmasking of a covert C.I.A. officer.

Naturally, The Editors say it best: "It’s a Fitzmas miracle!"

Insta-Testicle, of course, attempts the wet blanket approach:

No Rove indictment, and only a lame False Statements Act charge against Libby, which wouldn't even relate to the underlying issue. This will be a blue Fitzmas for some people if it works out that way, but it's too early to be sure that these reports are correct.

Sorry, Mr. Frowny Face!










(We like to take the high road...)

Posting Light, With A Chance of Existential Angst

Ugh, we swore we'd never use that word.

Carry on.

"Hard/Johnson Union Expected To Last, Oh, 'Til the End of Letterman..."

Several Texas political insiders say Rove’s longtime relationship with lobbyist Karen Johnson may be in jeopardy ... if [Karen] Johnson’s relatives have their way.

In July we reported on the very close relationship Johnson, a single, Austin-based lobbyist, has enjoyed with Rove since they met over a decade ago in Texas. But now that Rove’s White House tenure is looking increasingly shaky, friends are whispering that the forty-something lobbyist—who pulls in well over $1 million a year thanks to her administration connections—may be cooling toward the married presidential advisor.

“Everyone knows how close Karen is to Karl, but she’s sick of it,” says a person familiar with the situation. Johnson’s disapproving family has long urged her to settle down with the improbably named Rhett Hard, a handsome ranch foreman whom Johnson has dated sporadically over the last few years. “Karen’s dream has always been to own a cattle ranch, and two years ago she bought Cinco de Mayo [the name of her Austin property] and hired Rhett to manage the place. They even joined the Cattleman’s Texas Longhorn Registry together.”

But while the movie-star handsome Hard shares Johnson’s affection for the president (he contributed $2,000 to Bush’s reelection campaign in 2004), one Austin social observer doubts that their relationship is going anywhere. “If Rhett hasn’t married her by now, he never will,” says the source. “Karen has never been married. She’s what I call a serial dater.”

Hard could not be reached for comment and Johnson did not return repeated calls.

We urge Karen to leave Karl and take up with Rhett. If they won't think of the children, they ought to at least consider the feelings of the headline writers... [not Dawn Eden, though. Fuck'er]

With Harriet Miers Gone, Eyeliner Eagerly Reclaims Respectability

Which royally sucks, actually, because we were going to don the black robes for Halloween...


















Tough break, Hughie:

The Gang of 14 did incredible damage in May, but it was possible to recover from that set-back because conservatives did not abandon their argument for an up or down vote after a hearing. Now many have. The list of conservatives publicly urging a hearing and an up-or-down vote for Miers is very short indeed. Perhaps that will change.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

UPDATE: "Reading Hugh Hewitt's blog over the next few days promises to be even more entertaining than usual," says The Plank's Jason Zengerle.

ANOTHER UPDATE: "I think Ms. Miers has been unfairly treated by many who have for years urged fair treatment of judicial nominees," says Hugh. "She deserves great thanks for her significant service to the country. She and the president deserved much better from his allies."

Such a shame. It's quite sad, you know, to see a gentleman of Hewitt's caliber in the throes of disappointment. Our message to Hugh: Despite our differences, and this tragic setback to the imminent abolishment of Roe v. Wade, we must put our shoulders to the wheel and carry on.

We'll be there for you, buddy.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: "Miers does what George H.W. Bush should have done 59 years ago," sez TBogg. "In other news, Hugh Hewitt has been put on suicide watch but they're not really watching that closely..."

Take A Good Long Look, K-Lo

Luckovich

Jack Nicholson Ruminates on Maria Schneider

Schneider was clearly cast more for her sex appeal than her acting ability. I couldn't resist asking Nicholson, of course only for the purpose of the historical record, whether he was as involved with Schneider off-screen as he was on-screen. He hemmed and hawed before finally offering this answer: "Let's just say she'd stayed at the house and everything."

Famous largely for her sex scenes with Marlon Brando in "Last Tango in Paris," Schneider was quite the free spirit during filming. "She didn't want to be typed as the sexy broad with butter up her [behind]," Nicholson recalls. "But there she was having a discussion one night with this very ascetic director, and she was loaded and half nude, with her bathrobe open. I thought Michelangelo was going to die. I remember in one scene we did, she was so unconscious that I had to hold the back of her head up when I delivered my lines."

In retrospect, Schneider said, "I thank God every day that Antonioni directed the thing, and not that little rodent Polanski."

Organic? Yeah, Just Like A Twinkie

I think Pajamas Media is organic ... Pajamas is a garage band. It’s a garage band that grew up and is to some degree self- selecting, as opposed to the Huffington Post, which is like the Monkees, which was a rock group put together for television. There’s something artificial about it.

-- Austin Bay

It wasn’t until I read various posts (here, here, and here) which come to my attention yesterday that it dawned on me my old pals Roger and Charles had ditched 230 of the 300 bloggers they originally signed up. You really do miss out on so much while being stabbed in the back...

-- DTP

1) Peter Paul and Mary were "put together" by Albert Grossman. When was the last time you heard anyone questioning their integrity?

2) Cutting more than 60% of the initial bloggers? Not only is that not organic, but it's pretty fucking low class.

... which is why Pajamalamdingdong Media will, happily for us, fail. Yay for organic failure!

Bleeds, Leads, Yes...

Going against the expressed wishes of the Pentagon, several top U.S. newspapers treated the tragic arrival of the 2,000th American military death in Iraq as a major milestone Wednesday. The New York Times even used that officially disapproved phrase in a headline at the top of a page. USA Today, the Los Angeles Times, and The Washington Post all carried special features.

On Tuesday, U.S. Army Lt. Col. Steve Boylan, a military spokesman in Iraq, wrote in an e-mail to reporters, "The 2,000 service members killed in Iraq supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom is not a milestone. It is an artificial mark on the wall set by individuals or groups with specific agendas and ulterior motives."

But on Wednesday, the Times ran a front-page story marking the 2,000th fatality -- plus four pages of photos of the dead inside. The gallery covered every death since the paper last performed this service, at the 1,000 mark in early September 2004.

We'd say "Bully for you, NY Times," but that would pretty condescending. Keller et al. are just doing their jobs.

Who looks better at the end of the day, the papers who mark the 2,000th death -- as they have all others -- or the ones like The Washington Times, who choose to ignore this one in particular?

We Just Started A 527, The "Get Lopez Laid Fund." If You Can Find It In Your Heart To Donate...

K-Lo has lost her shit. Yesterday, she sniped, "2,000 is no milestone"; today the gasket is entirely blown, and the men in the white coats begin to circle the NRO offices:

The Today Show this morning is infuriating. They're all over the 2,000 mark. And report it as if 2,000 Americans have died for naught. THE IRAQIS RATIFIED THEIR DEMOCRATICALLY ADOPTED CONSTITUTION YESTERDAY. Should this not be part of the MSM's 2,000 stories on the 2,000th soldier? The media may not be, but the Iraqi people are thankful. And even some Americans, too, who appreciate that Saddam Hussein out of power is a good thing.

But, you know, at least the last sentence wasn't gratuitous.

Beautiful Condi? Ugh.

Malkin's pissed off again. What's new, right? Ah, but this time it's kinda cute... Admittedly, the chuckle is sub rosa, but that's better than nothing, no?

Here's the 411, People: drag your cursor over the two photos of "Dr." Rice.

The first is called "Beezlebub [sic] Condi," the second "Beautiful Condi."

Yes, folks, this has all the marks of "professional" journalism [we totally heart quotation marks-as-shorthand for as if...].

Hi, Miss Broccoli!

The Editors' Latest Komix

Don't never say we never did nothin' nice for ya'.

Enjoy.

Fitz Is Coming... Look Busy!

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has decided to seek indictments in the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson and has submitted at least one to the grand jury, those close to the investigation tell RAW STORY.

Fitzgerald will seek at least two indictments, the sources say. They note that it remains to be seen whether the grand jury will approve the charges.

Those familiar with the case state that Fitzgerald may not seek indictments that assert officials leaked Plame's name illegally. Rather, they say that he will focus charges in the arena of lying to investigators. The sources said, however, they wouldn't rule out charges of conspiracy.

The specifics of the charges remain unclear, and they are not final, so charges beyond lying to the grand jury could certainly be handed down.

Any possible indictments are now in the hands of the grand jury. They are expected to be made public later this week. ...

RAW STORY revealed last week that David Wurmser and John Hannah, both aides who worked with Cheney, were cooperating with Fitzgerald's probe. The story was later confirmed by the New York Daily News.

Both were purportedly involved in passing information about Plame. Last week, Hannah's lawyer told Newsweek his client "knew nothing" about the leak and is not a target of Fitzgerald's investigation.

Google vs. eBay

Google Inc. confirmed the existence of test service called Google Base that could put it squarely in competition with eBay Inc., one of the largest buyers of its search advertisements. ...

The existence of Google Base heightens anticipation of the Mountain View, Calif., company's long-expected entry into direct competition with online auctioneer eBay, which also owns a minority stake in classified listings site Craigslist Inc.

"It's going to slowly chip away at eBay's growth and opportunities, especially in international markets where there is a tremendous amount of growth at Google," said Brian Blair, principal at Wedge Partners LLC, a New York research firm.

Sort of a Rumble in the Jungle for our era, we think.

UPDATE: Fucking prepositions...

He Was Also Quite Splendid In "Casino"

Douthat:

Of course the literary world isn't perfectly bifurcated into realists and experimentalists, let alone "omnipotent insiders and destitute outsiders" (both Franzen and Marcus are very much on the inside looking out). And of course the realism-versus-experimentalism, highbrow versus slightly-less-highbrow debate goes all the way back to the beginning of the twentieth century. But the debate has legs for a reason, and nearly every contemporary literary controversy partakes of it. (Including the one sparked by this entertaining speech.)

But don't listen to me, listen to James Woods, our greatest living critic and an unapologetic champion of realism (though not, needless to say, of hysterical realism).

We think there's a lesson here: with great pretension comes great responsibility (to spell the name of TNR's literary critic properly, of course!).

TS Movie Recommendation

We saw Bunny Lake Is Missing last night. Good movie. For what it's worth, this -- which we haven't seen -- is probably a remake.

How Many Al Qaeda Plots Were Foiled?

Overall, the United States and our partners have disrupted at least ten serious al Qaeda terrorist plots since September the 11th, including three al Qaeda plots to attack inside the United States.

-- October 6, 2005

Together with our coalition partners, we've disrupted a number of serious al Qaeda terrorist plots since September the 11th, including several al Qaeda plots to attack inside the United States.

-- October 25, 2005

It's sooooooo reassuring that our government can't decide how many terrorist attacks we've foiled.

The Paradox of Witholding Information

We haven't seen much chatter about Dexter Filkins' piece in the Times magazine -- the one about Nathan Sassaman, a Lt. Col. who covered up the killing of an Iraqi and the near-killing of a second. It was a fait accompli that the conservobloggers would ignore it since it's presumably anti-military.

[At the end of the post, we note the amusing irony in that assumption.]

But there's no reason for the Left to give it short shrift. Not when it contains observations like this:

One paradox ... was that the Americans could have shot Marwan and Zaydoon that night, and no American officer would have raised an eyebrow. Two young Iraqi men, in a nasty Sunni town, caught driving a pickup after curfew: Iraqi civilians have been killed for less. But in exploring the possibilities of "nonlethal" force - an idea meant to spare Iraqis, not kill them - the soldiers had crossed a line.

But where is the line? How much more serious was it to throw an Iraqi civilian into the Tigris, which was not approved, than it was to, say, fire an antitank missile into an Iraqi civilian's home, which was? Where is the line that separates nonlethal force that is justified - and sometimes very painful - from nonlethal force that is criminal? At trial, attorneys for Perkins argued that their client should be spared in part because the Army did not adequately prepare its soldiers for the guerrilla war in Iraq. In the words of Joshua Norris, one of Perkins's lawyers, Sassaman's soldiers were operating in a "doctrinal vacuum." The generals wanted higher body counts, and they wanted the insurgency brought under control, but they left the precise tactics up to the soldiers in the field.

Is there anything more frightening than seeing the words nonlethal force in one graf and doctrinal vacuum in the next? It's a recipe for Abu Ghraib, certainly, and worse [of course, in that case, Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez said, "I'm tired of this MP mentality; I want them to shoot first and use nonlethal force later." How nice.].

But, for our money, the really chilling part is this:

Sassaman decided that if he tried to explain to [his supervisor] what had happened - that his men had indeed thrown the Iraqis into the water but that they had come out alive - then [his supervisor] would likely go ahead and arrest his men. Sassaman decided that throwing the Iraqis into the Tigris was wrong but not criminal and that publicizing it could whip up anti-American feeling.

Let's assume that "publicizing" is synonymous for media, okay? And let's make that perilous leap and assume that Sassaman's actually telling the truth.

The lesson here is that -- if you believe the Right -- when the Left-leaning media outlets report on military malfeasance, it's flagrantly anti-American or anti-military, or what have you, and brings down the morale of the troops overseas [Austin Bay: The [Abu Ghraib] photos are an anti-American propagandist's centerfold, and provide America-haters with a new Exhibit A to support their perpetual charges of American hypocrisy and decadence. ... They damage American military and political efforts.]. However, in a case when troops actually did commit crimes, the knee-jerk reaction of said military is to cover up said malfeasance for fear of publicity from said Left-leaning media outlets. Which, in turn, would in turn whip up anti-American feelings...

Forgive us, but this is a mobius strip of mendacity.

Here's a proposed compromise between the media and the military: if you can curtail the institutionalized clusterfucks, we'll stop reporting them.

The Chance of Us Posting Regularly Today Is Roughly Equivalent To Our Asshole Landlord Turning On The Heat

Dear City of New York,

Our landlord is a penny-pinching rectal wart who, in his unquenchable desire to deprive us of heat, adheres to the following description of his breed (it must be stipulated, however, that he is a great deal worse):

The Landlord is a gentleman ... who does not earn his wealth. He has a host of agents and clerks that receive for him. He does not even take the trouble to spend his wealth. He has a host of people around him to do the actual spending. He never sees it until he comes to enjoy it. His sole function, his chief pride, is the stately consumption of wealth produced by others.

Obvs, our landlord is not -- as David Lloyd George would have it -- a gentleman, but more accurately (in the words of Gary Paulsen) a scum-sucking pile of puke.

City fathers, would you care for a fresh landlord scalp to top off your collection? Give us a call.

Love,
TS

We've Been Appraised for $6,209.94

How much is your blog worth?

CAVEAT: La Shawn's dungeon is said to be worth nearly a mil, which is a pretty clear indicator of the algorithm's accuracy...

[Gubbins' is priceless, thus rendering the formula useless]

Fuck You, Vanity Fair!

Tristram Shandy would never stoop so low as to call for a boycott. That kind of shit's for the "I-wuz-hijacked-by-9/11" crowd.

However, we must spit in the general direction of Vanity Fair for firing Andrew Krucoff.

1) VF, you suck ass. In case TS readers didn't know, we take great delight in informing you that, no, Graydon Carter does not write his own editor's letter.

Dick.

2) We're going to go one further than Miss Coen, and pray that you fuckers lose even more lawsuits. Like when the Proust estate finally gets around to suing your fucking asses for defamation of character.

On the plus side, we assume that it's only a matter of days before he starts working at the Observer, where his talents will be better suited.

Peter W. Kaplan is a far better man.

Franklin Foer On Scooter Libby

Let's hope that his cellmates understand the difference between a leak and a snitch.

Obvs, The Plank is our new favorite site. Long live The Plank!

YES, THE LEFT IS REALLY TAKING THIS FITZMAS THING SERIOUSLY

...says Byron York.

True. But that's only because we hate Christmas, remember?

UPDATE: Here's proof. J.C. Christian's review is quite lovely -- heterosexually-speaking.

Monday Sucks Plenty...

...without the news that thousands of people are actually pre-ordering Lileks' new book.

Surely, you won't catch us linking to Amazon; we don't want that on our conscience.

Next, We'll Start Collecting Their Teeth...

From The Post:

Eager to demonstrate success in Iraq, the U.S. military has abandoned its previous refusal to publicize enemy body counts and now cites such numbers periodically to show the impact of some counterinsurgency operations.







Which reminds us of a certain feline practice, when the cat -- presumably as a testament to its value -- leaves a newly-slaughtered mouse by the bed.

This, like the body count, conveys, "See what a ruthless, efficient hunter I am?"

As we say in the Old Country, "This is news?"

UPDATE: Mark Kleiman observes that this retro Vietnam-style practice belies the Conservative spin that Iraq isn't a quagmire: "Let's face it. The facts aren't anti-war. They're just on the other side. Patriotic anti-idiotarians will ignore them. After all, Michael Moore is fat, isn't he?"

Michiko Missteps

The last time we read a review this bad, Greil Marcus was reviewing Time Out of Mind.

Lord, make it stop.

"I'm talkin' about friendship. I'm talkin' about character. I'm talkin' about ethics."

Sez Goldberg:

[E]ven if one concedes that Goodfellas is surpasses the Godfather -- which I do not -- does that mean it is also the best movie ever made? Surely one can do the former without being the latter.

It's a bullshit argument, Goldberg. Anyone with an un-perforated cranium knows that Miller's Crossing is better than either of those flicks.

And it does contain this line, c/o Mr. Gabriel Byrne

Tell Leo he's not God on the throne, he's just a cheap political boss with more hair tonic than brains.

which, hey, seems weirdly descriptive of a certain former cokehead, but maybe that's just the caffeine talkin'...

Funny, We Assumed He Was a 'Bottom'

Sez not-Hindrocket Scott Johnson:

The Miers nomination has divided the John, Paul and me two-and-a-half or three ways. That must be why it's getting a little uncomfortable here in the back seat.

And We Like It Cold (As A Witch's Tit)

Via Mr. Black,

WASHINGTON, Oct. 23 (UPI) -- The CIA leak inquiry that threatens senior White House aides has now widened to include the forgery of documents on African uranium that started the investigation, according to NAT0 intelligence sources.

This suggests the inquiry by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald into the leaking of the identity of undercover CIA officer Valerie Plame has now widened to embrace part of the broader question about the way the Iraq war was justified by the Bush administration.

For what it's worth, we're partial to the Krug Clos du Mesnil, 1988.

Bainbridge, do you approve?

AND IN A RELATED NOTE:
"The President is just unhappy in general and casting blame all about," said one Bush insider. "Andy [Card, the chief of staff] gets his share. Karl gets his share. Even Cheney gets his share. And the press gets a big share."











Strip the bark off the little bastard, we say.

Quote of the Day, And It's Only 9:32 Edition

"If you look at poll numbers and things like that, we face challenges."

-- Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee

Reporters Johnston and Stevenson exchanged glances.

"David, did that fucktard really say..." said Stevenson.

"I believe he did, Richard," said Johnston. "And it's our professional obligation to document his vacuity."

"Even so," said Stevenson, "Mehlman gives the best massages in the RNC. It would be a shame to piss him off."

"All too true, Richard," said Johnston. "Put it after the jump."

I. Lewis Libby

Apparently, the "I" is short for Irve.

De indictments, boss! De indictments!

Yeah, Reynolds, We Get Freebies, Too

IN THE MAIL: Jenna Jameson's Jenna Jameson: Essential, which argues that "pearl necklaces are not just for Valentine's Day!"

Heh.

Oh, This Is Rich...

Over at Simon's joint, the Haberdashered One excoriates Nicholas Kristof for wanting, of all things, accuracy in reporting. Kristof -- with good cause -- questions the number of deaths under Chairman Mao's watch, as put forth by the author of Mao: The Unknown Story:

The authors say [Mao] was responsible for more than 70 million deaths. But how accurate is it?... Take the great famine from 1958 to 1961. The authors declare that "close to 38 million people died," and in a footnote they cite a Chinese population analysis of mortality figures in those years. Well, maybe. But there have been many expert estimates in scholarly books and journals of the death toll, ranging widely, and in reality no one really knows for sure - and certainly the mortality data are too crude to inspire confidence. The most meticulous estimates by demographers who have researched the famine toll are mostly lower than this book's: Judith Banister estimated 30 million; Basil Ashton also came up with 30 million; and Xizhe Peng suggested about 23 million. Simply plucking a high-end estimate out of an article and embracing it as the one true estimate worries me; if that is stretched, then what else is?

"Okay," writes Simon, "so, accepting the lowest estimate of only 23 million died - roughly three times the population Mr. Kristof's own New York - what's his point here really? He's copacetic with killing only 23 million?"

Ah, no, asshole. And thus does Roger L. Simon continue the conservoblogger's time-honored tradition: 1) quote a Democrat as saying one thing, 2) accuse him or her of saying another, and 3) raise a stink about the very thing he or she did not say.

This, however, is a good deal worse than the usual. What bothers us especially is that Roger believes that historical accuracy isn't important when dealing with such large figures -- as if the numbers cited are so large that the difference of a few million is negligable and not, consequently, worth arguing about. [Isn't that, by the way, a little Stalinist? Just asking!]

Well, what if, instead of the infamous figure of 6 million, a revisionist historian posited that "only" 4 million Jews had been slaughtered? [FYI: We think Godwin's Law is bullshit.] This is -- to echo Simon's asinine analogy -- the population of Caracas, so what's the problem?

Right.

Furthermore, the inference that, by questioning these figures, Kristof is somehow "copacetic" with the death count; where were you, Roger, not so long ago, when your breathren underplayed the significance of Katrina's 1,281 dead? It wasn't the 10,000 that Nagin promised us, they said, so FEMA's reponse was a grand success!

What's 1,281 dead among friends, really?

Now, we ask you, should we (who are horrified by the number killed in Katrina) accuse anyone who believes that the 1,281 number is the one that ought to be adhered to, of being "copacetic" with the death count?

We thought not.

Nine Out of Ten C&L Readers Agree: Andy's Jumped the Shark!

C&L fans, we welcome you. Those of you not familiar with Crooks and Liars, well, you ought to be.

BACKFILL: "TS To Sullivan: Fuck You."

UPDATE: As noted below, we also extend a giggly welcome to The Editors and their humble readers. We'd offer you some of the hard stuff, but -- judging by the amount of available evidence -- it makes you stupid.

Just Click It. You Know You Want To.

TS Loves Middle America As If It Were Our Own Child

Shandy elves have informed a contrite TS that our plan for domestic domination has completely flopped.

The problem is that we've utterly failed to garner the all-important Midwestern audience. Scouring the map dotted with location of the last hundred or so Shandy readers, even the most eagle-eyed among us could not find a single one from Montana, the Dakotas, Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri...

What gives?

Doesn't it count for anything that our second girlfriend was from Edina?

Anyway, in a transparent, basically pathetic effort to attract a huge chunk of the country -- without alienating the coasts! -- we note a little item on Lindsay Lohan and Praire Home Companion:

Lindsay's finally ditched those bleached blonde locks, which she acquired months ago for her role in Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion, in favor of something more flattering to her color scheme.

Good job, Lohan!

The Bespectacled Beauty Returns

[Tina Fey] is returning to the show Saturday, after taking a brief maternity leave following the Sept. 10 birth of her daughter, Alice.

And Rushdie rejoices.

Take the Cotton Outta Yer Ears, Bumiller!

Eager to dispel perceptions of Ms. Miers as a presidential sidekick undeserving of a seat on the highest court, Mr. Coats [Daniel Coats, a former Republican senator from Indiana] and White House officials described her performance in the sessions as unruffled and impressive, although far different in style from Chief Justice Roberts.

"She's soft-spoken and reserved," Mr. Coats said. "She's very gracious. And she's very humble. And so I think her response comes across differently from somebody who is more assertive in their speaking. But it doesn't mean that the context isn't there."

Did Bumiller mishear Coats? Or did Coats mean to say content? As it is, we have no idea what he means...

Quote of the Day: Dana Milbank

"After you've covered the president having an affair outside the Oval Office with a thong-wearing intern, you must accept the fact that the rest of your career will be anticlimactic."

We Have A Winner! We Sez

Feeling kinda punchy this morning, we had an inaugural TS contest, in which we shall make it common practice to hand out prizes to our discerning readers.

The identity of our winner is, truth to tell, a little anticlimactic.

"Anonymous" [Anonymous? Donald Foster, help us out...] correctly identified this quote

Bad things happen when a President decides that "diversity," personal loyalty and stealth are more important credentials for the Supreme Court than knowledge of the Constitution and battle-hardened experience fighting the judicial wars of the past 30 years.

from today's Wall Street Journal editorial, "The Miers Blunder."

"I wish to donate my prize to the RNC," says our characteristically brilliant reader.

We believe it'd be wasted on 'em, but if you insist...

Anyway, congratulations to Anonymous. Not to be too gushy, but we so loved Imperial Hubris...

UPDATE: Link corrected.

Your Weekly Dose of Gubbins

Clink the links:

Tapioca House, a raved-about chain outa Houston w/ a branch in Austin, does more: smoothies + Taiwanese meals & snacks. Stating the obvious: Bubble drinks, which for at least 5 yrs have been called "the next Starbucks", originated in Taiwan...

As per usual, the funnest stuff's in the small type.

There's Something About Stephen...

When we saw this, we suffered immediate, intense, almost painful pangs of nostalgia. Maddeningly, however, we could not pin down why those particular synapses would be firing with such alacrity. We recalled Lady Macbeth's notion that memory is "the warder of the brain," but that -- true though it may be -- was of no use to us.

Damn it! we said, who does this overly-tanned happy fellow remind us of?


















All we knew -- and of this we were quite certain -- was that the pangs of recognition had a late-Nineties Pearl Jam-on-the-decline vibe...

That's when it hit us: the summer after freshman year, the pavement so hot it was sweating, our girlfriend looking typically beautiful in her sun dress -- we'd agreed to catch that new comedy everyone was talking about, the one that for weeks on end made men involuntarily cross their legs...









We can now sleep the sleep of the informed.

UPDATE: We genuflect in the general direction of The Editors, proprietors of The Poor Man Institute, and their equally sharp readers. We are, as Harriet Miers said to The Slow Fella, your biggest fans...

ANOTHER UPDATE: Sez Steven Den Beste, "Actually, he looks like George Hamilton." D'oh!

Russert's Testimony (According To J.G.)

MR. FITZGERALD: How did Mr. Rove feel about the President's plan?

MR. RUSSERT: He thought it was a bad idea. He was certain that Miers would brag about it. He said she was always bragging about the frogs. He asked me what I thought he should do about Wilson. I responded by telling him a story about my father, Big Russ.

MR. FITZGERALD: Please repeat the story for the Jury.

MR. RUSSERT: Well, I must have been about ten or eleven--I was in the sixth grade. I had a crush on a girl named Beth. She was the most beautiful girl in our class. Every recess I'd try to get her attention by hurling dodgeballs at her head.

One day, just as I was ready to throw, Bobby Hindenlocker snuck up behind me and gave me a wedgie. Of course, Beth laughed. I was thoroughly humiliated.

That night at dinner, Big Russ noticed that I wasn't fighting for the last pork chop with my usual vigor and asked if something was bothering me. I had tried to put on a brave face until then, but Big Russ's question unleashed the logjam of emotions I worked so hard to hide. Sobbing, I told him of my love for Beth and the shame I had felt because of Bobby's treachery. I ended my story with a vow to beat Bobby to a pulp the next day.

Big Russ reached over and gave me a big hug and told me that fighting people wouldn't solve my problems. "It's better to destroy their families," he said. Then he took me by the hand and led me up into the attic, the one place in the house that was forbidden to children.

I can't describe how proud I felt at that moment. By taking me to the attic, the domain of men, Big Russ was acknowledging that I was ready to become a man and learn the secrets of the brotherhood.

Overwhelmed by this rite of passage, I hadn't noticed that Big Russ was digging a box out of a pile of old curtains in the corner until he opened it and pulled out a big bag of white powder. "What's that," I asked. Big Russ responded by dipping his finger into the powder, tasting it, and declaring "pure horse." My father had just repeated a scene fr